Dear Diary (3)

Dear Diary,

I was totally checking my stats on this blog and I noticed people have this weird obsession with reading about my boring, mundane, sad life. Sorry to say that I think that's kindof sad, but alright.

So. My life.
Well I'm sure you all remember the boy I talked about in my other diary posts? Yeah. He's mean. I don't like him anymore... and he sure as hell doesn't like me. So sorry people, but there won't be anything more about that.

In other boring news, my life sucks. Mildy. I can honestly say I've never been this shy or introverted in my whole life. And I never realized how hard it was to make friends. It used to be so simple, back in the day. Now, even when I have more freedom, it seems as if making friends is one of the hardest things I've had to do since coming to school. I've aced every test I've taken so far, done (most) of my homework, skipped class only when I became so sick I couldn't breathe out of my nose, and been overall a good student. So why haven't I been able to get up the guts to just ask someone, Hey, wanna hang out?

Sure, I've had opportunities to do so. But I'm lazy, or I guess it's not laziness, it's more... fearful. I don't like being rejected, even if it's just a simple oh sorry I can't tonight. It puts me down. It shouldn't, but it does.

And I have this overwhelming desire for a boyfriend. I haven't had one in nearly two years, and frankly, I'm not confused as to why. Knowing why doesn't make me feel much better though. I see a guy and think, I wonder if he would be a good boyfriend. Why is that? It frustrates me that I can't just get the whole "I wanna have a boyfriend" thing out of my head. It's not that important, and up until about two months ago, I had a pretty damn good life without one. Maybe my intese desire stems from the fact that my life sucks so badly up here that my mind is telling me a boyfriend would make it better.

But every time I catch myself thinking that way, I realize I'm leaving in two months and never in my entire life coming back. I'm totally fine with that, in fact, I'm overjoyed just at the thought. But then I realize, having a boyfriend here would make leaving so much harder. So I'm holding off, because I know there's better guys where I'm going. Yeah, I KNOW.

My conclusion has come to this: Michigan guys may be some of the sexiest guys you will EVER meet in  your entire existence, but pretty much all of them are douchebags, druggies, or just plain not interested. Wisconsin guys are some of the most amazing, talented, sweet, caring, smart, funny, and genuinely NICE guys you will ever have the pleasure of knowing, but the hot ones are scarce, or have already been snatched up. So I have a catch-22 here. But I'm ignoring it for now. After all, boys are the least of my worries.

Love,
Me.

Here It Goes Again (West Saga)

So finally we were content. All seemed wonderful in this little world Wes and I had created for ourselves after finally becoming a couple. People were glad we'd finally gotten together, and they made it known.
Our dances reached new heights. Mona told us she was impressed with our progress, and we both were proud of our talents as well. Everything seemed just... perfect. There were no waves, storms or clouds cast over the perfect, sunny lake that was our newfound lives together. People said we couldn't be more perfect together.

But there was a voice, a stupid, nagging voice in the back of my mind that told me we couldn't be this perfect forever. Something was bound to come between us, something big enough to possibly break us apart. I told the voice to leave me alone, to let me live in the moment of my perfect happy world. But it wouldn't let me be. I could feel a storm so large, no amount of love and dedication could blow it away. And the angst and worry was eating away at my heart.
Wes finally noticed my anxious behavior when he caught me ripping a napkin to shreds at dinner one night. I didn't notice him watching until he reached over and took my hand, looking at me with worry in his eyes.
"Tia. What's wrong?" He asked anxiously.
I stared stupidly at him for a couple seconds while I tried to condense my worried feelings into something that didn't sound so grim.
"I'm... worried, I guess." I finally said. Way to fail at telling him anything, Tia. I thought.
"About what?" His eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"I don't.... I can't.... I'm... Honestly, I can't really tell you because even I'm not sure." Lame. Lame lame lame.
"You don't know why you're worried? Well that seems silly, worrying about nothing."
"No, I know what I'm worried about, I just don't know why I'm worried!!"
"Then tell me! We'll figure it out together." He smiled, still holding my hand.
"Well..." I started lamely. "I'm worried about... Us." I had looked down, and now I slyly turned my gaze back up to his face.
"Why would you be worried? We're pretty much perfect right now."
"That's what I don't know! Ughhhh it's so frustrating! See, I have this stupid, nagging feeling something really bad is going to happen that's going to break us apart. And I don't want that to happen, like, EVER."
Now it was his turn to stare stupidly at me. His eyes searched my face, confused, and his grip on my hand got tighter, as if he was trying to tell me that he would never let anything happen to us, that he wanted us to stay together as much as I did. I squeezed back, closing my eyes as I laid my head down on the table. I felt his other hand brush through my hair lightly a couple of times before resting on the back of my neck. I sighed deeply, worry building up more and more in my gut.
"I just can't even describe this to you, Wes. I don't know why I'm so worried. And not knowing is making me more worried." I said, my voice muffled by the table.
He took his hand from my neck and forced it under my chin, pulling my face up to meet his. His lips parted as if he was going to say something, then closed again. He shook his head, smiled, stopped smiling, but never let go of my chin. Then he finally did say something.
"Tia, I don't get why you're worrying over basically nothing. You've got me, I've got you, and right now, that's just perfect for me. And I know you feel the same way. So... Stop worrying and just enjoy us."
I forced out all the air I'd been holding in, creating a wooshing noise that blew Wes' napkin into his lap. I forced myself to smile, pretending as if I believed his words, and that they comforted me. They didn't. I was still worried, and I still had no idea why.

All The Right Moves (West Saga)

Wes and I sat across the table at Java Hut in silence. It wasn't an awkward silence, it was more of a content silence. We both warmed our hands by gripping the sides of the recycled-paper cups full of delicious, steaming hot chocolate. My taste buds welcomed the warmth as I took the first sip, reveling in it's chocolately goodness. I smiled involuntarily when the warmth spread to my stomach. It felt incredibly similar to the way I always felt around Wes; warm, happy, and comforting.
We spent over ten minutes that way, in perfectly contented silence before Wes broke the silence.
"So... Can I have a hint at least?"
I smiled at him, and shook my head. "Nope. You're on your own. I want to be surprised, Wes, and I can't be surprised if I tell you how to ask me."
"Right." He sighed, then looked at me pleadingly. "PLEASEEEEEEE?"
"No Wes!!" I laughed at his sad puppy-dog face. "And stop doing that face! You know I can't resist it!"
He kept the face on for another few seconds before joining in my laughter. "I know, that was the whole point of me doing it!"
The conversation from that point was light and superficial. He asked if we could sit together again in Calculus, using the excuse that he missed the crazy doodles I would draw on the top of my notes. I knew he felt uncomfortable sitting next to Lydia, who was consistently flirting with him, but I didn't say anything, letting him think I believed his excuse.

He went home later that day to visit his parents for the weekend, so I was left to my own devices, wondering secretly if he was getting advice from his parents or his friends back home on how to ask me out. Thinking about it always made me smile, and confused my roommates to no end. Sometimes I'd be working on a calculus problem and I'd start laughing at the thought of Wes pleading to his mom for ideas. Whoever was sitting closest to me would look at me like I was crazy, shake her head and then return to whatever they had been doing before I interrupted.
Monday rolled around and Wes was back in town. We resumed sitting next to each other in calculus and I couldn't help but feel satisfaction as I watched Lydia's face fall when she noticed me sitting in what had become her "usual" seat. She walked over to our table slowly, most likely hoping I'd get up and move for her, but I didn't. When she finally realized I wasn't moving, she flipped her flat-ironed blonde hair in defiance and headed to the only open seat left- the one I had deserted.
Wes passed me a note a few minutes later that read-

Lydia looked so pissed! I hope she doesn't hate me for this. She's actually not a bad friend, once I got around her flirting with me all the time. But... I suppose losing one friend for you isn't too bad.

I read the note once, and slyly looked over at Wes who was smirking with one side of his mouth curling upwards in the mirror of my smirk. The rest of the class proceeded in a dull lecture that neither of us really paid much attention to, thanks to my "crazy doodles" that I became engrossed in.
After class let out, Wes told me he had an appointment with his counselor. I didn't think much of it, after all, this was the time of year when everyone was figuring out their schedules for the spring semester. I headed off to my dorm alone, not paying much attention to anyone else around me.
My door was unlocked when I came back, and I figured it was because one of my roommates was there.
"Rhyan? Lauren? Alex?" I called out nonchalantly, expecting nothing more than a hey or in here.
Except there was nothing. No reply came from the bedroom or the bathroom. Okay, I thought, they're just sleeping. So I put down my backpack quietly, not wanting to wake up my roommates, if they were napping.
I poked my head in the bedroom door and noticed all of their beds were empty. But when I turned my gaze to the right side of the room where my bed was, it wasn't deserted like the other side had been. Wes was sitting in my bed, his guitar resting on his lap and a long, shallow metallic box in his hands.
"What... Wes?" I was at a loss for words. "How... how did you get in here?"
"I talked to Rhyan last week and she agreed to let me in... As well as leaving us alone." He smiled softly at me and put his guitar down on the bed.
He took the two steps towards me and handed me the silver box. "Go ahead. Open it."
I took the box hesitantly. It was light and wrapped in some kind of shiny slightly transparent silver wrapping paper. The box itself was about a foot long and 6 inches wide with a tiny emblem pressed into the top of the cardboard. I squinted at it, but I couldn't make out what it was through the paper. Just open it. I told myself. I closed my eyes and took two slow breaths in an attempt to calm myself down. Lifting off the top of the box, I gasped as soon as I saw what was inside.
Nestled in thin sheets of white and gold tissue paper lay a golden rose in full bloom. The detail etched into every petal was exquisite, almost like the rose had just simply been painted gold after being picked from the garden. I reached out hesitantly to touch it, pulling back for a second for fear that I would break it.
"Pick it up. There's something inside of it." Wes said quietly over my left shoulder. I jumped at his voice, forgetting he was still there.
I did as I was told and picked up the rose only to find the bloom wasn't a full-petaled flower as I had thought before. It was a small bowl that held a small golden bracelet inside. Wes picked up the bracelet from the rose and motioned for me to put the box and rose down. I obeyed and turned back to him, curious as to what more surprises this held.
Wes motioned to hold my wrist out so he could put the bracelet on. He deftly closed the clasp around my small wrist and to my surprise, it fit perfectly. Dangling from one of the gold links was a small emblem. It was a heart, and I noticed something was engraved into one of the sides. As I squinted to read it, I made out 6 words written in flowing calligraphy: mon amour, ma voie, ma vie. I translated the simple phrase as "My love, my voice, my life." Tears unexpectedly sprung up in my eyes, blurring the sweetest words I'd ever seen.
"Wes...." I choked.
"Wait. There's more. I haven't gotten to the best part yet." He gently took me by the shoulders and led me over to the bed, forcing me to sit on one end.
He retrieved his guitar and sat down on the bed facing me. After taking a deep breath, he began to strum. Wes's voice started to sing a recent favorite of mine, Syndicate by The Fray. The deeper he got into the song, the more beautiful he became. He closed his eyes after the first chorus and didn't open them until the end of the song. The stress lines disappeared from his face, and his mouth relaxed along with the rest of his body. I realized I was seeing him as pure as I would ever see him.
At the end of the last chord, tears were freely flowing down my cheeks in salty rivers of joy. He opened his piercing blue eyes that held so many emotions at that one moment I could never describe them. He took one look at me and his face turned to confusion.
"Tia... Why are you crying?" He asked, genuinely confused.
I took a few deep breaths, wiped the tears away and replied, "Wes... That was beautiful."
He smiled. "Well there's still one more part." he said, reaching into his back pocket. "Here," he handed me a folded paper. "Read it."
I took the paper and unfolded it. All the note said was-

Was that creative enough for you?

I turned back to Wes, feeling the tears welling up again. I nodded slowly.
He smiled at me, and gently put his guitar down on the bed. He scooted closer to me and held out his arms in an invitation for me to fall into them, which I did. I wrapped my arms around his strong torso as he returned my gesture, pulling me closer. As I buried my face into his chest, breathing in deep his leather and wood smokey smell, he gently rocked me back and forth. He started humming the first song I'd ever played for him on guitar, and I snuggled in closer, enjoying his warmth. After what seemed like forever, he finally broke the silence.
"So do you accept my offer now?"
I lifted my head up to look at him. One lock of his curly blond hair had fallen down in front of his face like a superman curl and I giggled at it. He raised one eyebrow at me, and I giggled even harder at the gesture.
"Yes, Wes. I accept. This was better than anything I could have imagined."

I'm Yours (West Saga)

Two days went by and I didn't hear from Wes. We still didn't sit by each other anymore in calculus but I made sure he saw me everyday. I wanted him to remember that night, and why he liked me so much instead of Lydia.
I saw her flirting with him all the time, but he never flirted back. He always seemed to have this vacant look in his eyes when she talked to him. It made me happy in a way, but worried that he wasn't okay every since I'd left him on his futon to think about what I'd said to him. I was worried I'd said I love you too quickly and that he was scared away. It was my deepest fear that I'd been worrying over since then.

Finally on the third day of his no-talking hiatus, I received a text from him telling me to meet in "our spot" the next day. I was relieved to hear from him, but so nervous to talk to him that it took me ten minutes to reply because my fingers shook so badly. I couldn't stop thinking of all the possible scenarios for our meeting for the entire day. I was distracted in class and I didn't sleep well that night.
The day of our meeting dawned as a typical, cold mid-october morning. There was frost forming on the windows in my room and I woke to a freezing cold room thanks to the same frosty window being open. I donned as many layers as I could as well as a pair of gloves. I didn't bring anything other than my phone, in case Wes decided to cancel on me. Positive thinking, Tia, I told myself.
I arrived at our meeting spot first, of course. I'd left my building way too early thanks to overexcited nerves and a desire to escape the cold. I don't know where my logic came from, thinking that if I got out of my cold dorm room and went outside I would be warm. The cold is messing with my head, I thought to myself frequently.
So I waited and checked my phone at least four times before I saw Wes walking my way. An bubble of nerves built up in my stomach and finally popped when he came and sat next to me.
"Hey. I'm glad you came." He said in the voice that I'd been missing for three days.
I swallowed. "You wanted to talk?"
"Yeah... About... you know, the other night."
I nodded and motioned for him to continue.
"Well, my first worry was if you were mad at me again, but I'm guessing you're not, since you came today."
"Wes, I can't be mad at you. You know that." I smiled.
He chuckled, then sobered quickly. "I was also going to say that.. Well maybe we should try being more than just friends. Maybe my feelings will, you know, sort themselves out that way."
I raised my eyebrow at him. "Are you trying to ask me out, Wes?"
He nodded so slightly that I almost missed it.
I laughed. "Well, you're going to have to do better than that to get me to say yes!!"
His mouth dropped open in shock. I guessed this was not the reaction he was expecting from me. "What? What am I supposed to do?"
"I don't want to give it away. Be creative, Wes. You're good at that. Use that big, imaginative brain of yours to come up with some cute way to ask me to be your girlfriend. I know you can do it."
"Fine." He sighed and dropped his shoulders dramatically.
There was a moment of silence, and then we both burst into laughter at his ridiculous posture. The feeling of awkwardness that had been hanging in the air faded away, and it felt more like the early days again.
I broke the laughter with my chattering teeth. Wes laughed again and suggested we go inside for a hot chocolate. I accepted, and he offered me his arm in mock seriousness. We both laughed for the third time that day and walked over to Java Hut, arm in arm.